literature

Jason's Story

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July 12, 2012
Dear, Diary
I’m not sure how this sort of thing works but here goes nothing. This whole diary to me is a little silly but I decided to try it anyway. I thought that maybe I could get a little emotion out and feel a little safer in my own skin. I’ve been having troubling thoughts lately and I’ve been feeling extremely paranoid. There are these voices that scream and yell at me but others are so kind and almost in a way comforting. I don’t know how to feel about it all! Who should I tell? Who should I trust? Some people are going to just turn on me and tell the whole world about it. Oh Dear Diary, what am I to do?
Sincerely, the worrisome Jason

July 20, 2012
Dear ever listening Diary,
I haven’t written in you for a couple of days now. I have to say that I feel a bit guilty. It has been 8 days since I’ve written in you. Everything has been getting worse. Voices are always around me. It feels like a suffocating cloud that looms over me all the time. Every time a voice decides to scream, it feels like thunder shaking my bones. After all the booming voices, sometimes I get ones that try and comfort my scatterbrained head. It’s almost in a way soothing but it creeps me out that it’s just a voice in my head. I still haven’t told anyone yet. I’m a little too afraid. Maybe all these symptoms will just blow over in the later days of my life.
From Jason

July 22, 2012
Dear Diary,
The symptoms haven’t gotten better but have worsened. These thunder storms have turned into hurricanes that take a toll over my whole brain. It’s feels like I’m going bat-lady insane. These ideas that just jump upon my head, thoughts about killing others. How easy it would be to squeeze a little innocent kitten’s neck and hear the crack of its last withering breath. That’s not normal. No sane person has thoughts like that. These voices tell me that doing things like that could be a good idea. That little kitten might grow up to be an old alley cat that struggles for its next meal. That little kitten may grow old and hungry but to no avail find any food. I have to put my mind to rest good night, dear diary.
From Jason

July 27 2012
Dear Diary,
I’ve been doing some research. My symptoms lead to things like mental illnesses. It scares me and I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to believe that I might possibly be not normal. It makes me shake with chills and get goose bumps. Would my friends accept me? Would people push me to the side and wrap that neon yellow crime tape around themselves so that I couldn’t see them? And then there are my parents. How could I tell my loving unsuspecting parents that I might be a little out of my mind? This topic makes me even more anxious then my stressful life already is. Maybe I should tell someone but not yet?
From the unsuspecting Jason

July 30 2012
Dear Diary,
It was today that I told my mom that I wasn’t feeling well. I asked if we could go to the doctor. The voices kept telling me that it was a bad idea to tell someone about my little secret but all these words whispered in my ears were dragging me in every direction. As my doctor came in, I started to tell her about my little problem. Her name was Mrs. Riley and her warm smile put me at ease. I knew I could trust her. Sometimes you want to tell a person that you barely know your deepest troubles and at that moment, I knew that I needed to tell her about my mental problem. After that I got tested and my results would come sometime later. It felt good to get everything off my chest.
From the mostly relieved Jason

August 10 2012
Dear Diary,
Today my mom and I went back to the hospital. That nice nurse Mrs. Riley wasn’t there this time and my uneasiness returned. I was really thinking now. My mind was racing. Everything was connecting and it has to be true! I must be mentally ill. My breath started to quicken and I felt my heart boom against my chest. I thought that this is what it must feel like for a person to have a panic attack.  It was like my mind was on the edge of a cliff. There was the land behind me and the long endless fall in front of me. If I fell there was the endlessness in front of me and behind me the sweet grass that would ground me. It felt like I would fall and maybe I would? My mother saw me shaking with my anticipation. It wasn’t happy anticipation but more of a scared kind of skittishness. She told me that everything would be okay but I didn’t believe her. I yelled and the words are still crystal clear in my head. The words were ‘How can you be so calm? There could be something wrong with me and you act as though nothing has changed. People aren’t going to accept me! How can you even accept me?’ I broke down crying and my own thoughts and voices in my head just attacked me. It was like a giant wave of words just washed over my brain. They laughed at my foolishness for telling anyone. They cried out at how this was all my fault. They whispered degrading things that broke my spirit down.  Why me? Why is this happening to me? I composed myself slowly and stood to face my mother. Her face was thick with worry. ‘I’m sorry’ was all I said. That was what I remember saying anyway. I probably said a lot more but that wasn’t important. We left to see the doctor soon after. His name was Mr. Smith. He asked my mom if I have had neurological problems before or anything to do with a psychiatrist. This was all new to me. I haven’t been to a psychiatrist and I don’t even know what the word neurological meant at the time. He asked some more questions but I forget what they were. After a while of just him and my mom talking, they took some of my blood to test. I watched as the thick red liquid went up into the glass syringe. There was also a test with some questions that asked things about like if I heard voices as well. After I did everything we left.

August 12 2012
Dear Diary
I’m having thoughts again. Weird voices are ushering me to do things again. It’s not always violent things but sometimes it is. Sometimes the things are just insane. At times, I feel that I am super. I feel that I have all the power and sense in the world. It feels like I could just jump out of a window and start to fly. Grow wings or just have the power for me to propel myself into the air. Other times, there is this feeling that I could do things that are bad but good at the same time. Kind of like my kitten idea for example. If I killed a little kid then it would be bittersweet. Think about all the options that little kid has in life. That little kid could end up in jail for doing something bad. That little kid might have the urge to kill someone so that they could achieve their goal. The little kid could grow up to be a drug dealer. Those options are there for that person. If the kid, I killed was going to grow up and do that then I would be saving countless lives and ones that would grow to be addicted. If you think about it like that is it really that bad? The voices tell me that it isn’t bad and I feel as though that I should trust them. It’s voices that come from me. In my own mind. This could be common sense. Right? Sometimes I look back at the things I write and think am I crazy? These thoughts are just crazy but the only thing that matters is that they’re right to me. It only matters that I think I’m sane.

August 14 2012
Dear Diary
I saw something today. It was there in front of my eyes. I really and truly did see it! Everyone else just sat there and I did too but I saw it. It wasn’t a hallucination or a delusion. I know that it wasn’t. It was at school on a rainy day. I was staring at the dreary weather outside the window. My mind was half asleep because of the teacher’s boring lecture. All the sudden there was this part in the sky. It was God! It had to be and he told me all these things. Words of wisdom, I suppose? I think about it now and I can’t remember anything but when he was there, it was like my eyes were reopened. A new self came to be. The whole thing was just exhilarating. God, thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

August 15 2012
Dear Diary
I sat in my room today and clutched my knees close to my chest. It had been a bad day. The voices happened to be just a downpour of yelling growls. Moaning in my ears and ringing about my head. These words just made me want to vomit. It wasn’t anything that I wanted but at the same time it felt like I did. I started crying after that. I didn’t whimper or blubber out little cries from my lips. They just slowly fell down my face slithering like snakes. My mother was home but I didn’t want to go to her. There was this little insane suspicion in my head that she told the doctors every word that I said. She was using my insecurities against me. I just sat there and cried.

August 20 2012
Dear Diary
My mom and I went back to the doctor’s office again. They talked to me for a while and I half heartedly told them some of the stuff that I was thinking. Even with the limited information they knew, I still got diagnosed with ‘Schizophrenia’. They said that it might be ‘paranoid’ or ‘depressive’ schizophrenia. I wasn’t happy to say the least. My emotions felt like they were ripped from my chest. That panic attack feeling came back and I let out a yelp of my displeasure as the tears started pouring from my eyes. I lost it. It wasn’t like I started tearing up the room or anything ludicrous like that but on the inside I was. The thought of people not accepting me was too much. I just wanted to be accepted. That was all I wanted my whole life. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to FIT in. How can I fit in now that I know that there is something wrong with me? How can I fit in when I can’t even tell what’s what when its right in front of me! I’m just a freak and I need to face it like a stoic would. As soon as I could, I stopped crying. This must have made me look so vulnerable and tiny. People shouldn’t look down upon me with pity. I asked if I could be excused and they said that I should stay. Should. Should. Should. That word was what everybody told me now. That word was such a judging word. I told them exactly what I thought in a hiss. They said that maybe I should just go to the men’s bathroom and calm down a bit. They used the word should but I went because it was probably the best thing to do at the moment. When I walked back to the room my mom was in a heated conversation with the doctor. I noticed an orange pill bottle in her hand. They were going to medicate me now? My mom let out a sigh and turned to me. It was almost like a silent conversation and we left after a nod of her head.

August 21 2012
Dear Diary
It was late afternoon when my mom knocked hesitantly on my door 3 times. She only knocked 3 times when there was something urgent that we needed to talk about like the time Dad left and she cried for hours on my shoulder. My voice sounded almost cautious as I asked her to come in. She immediately mentioned my outbreak at the hospital yesterday. I shut down like a turtle that hides in his shell. My voice growled as I told her to back off. She flinched at my tone and it made my heart strings stretch a little. Her solemn voice quickly explained what was going to happen with me. If I didn’t start taking the medication then I was going to be hospitalized. I always took vitamins but nothing like big pills that would have giant side effects. There was this whole list of these side effects that could lead to other illnesses. It made me afraid. I felt hesitant about the antipsychotics but I had to take them. My mother also mentioned about getting a psychiatrist and psychologist. It was mentioned that I take clozapine and risperidone. The medicine that she held in the pill case was risperidone. There were all these things about thereby and it made me nervous. She watched me take the pill because she wasn’t convinced that I would take it on my own.

August 22 2012
Dear Diary
I’m starting a brand new schedule. I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist. The medicine I am taking should start to work really well and relieve all my symptoms over the next 6 weeks. I hope that my life will get better.
This is just the full version. I decided to re-do it and add more facts. It was weird when I handed in the other and my teacher goes I talked to a person just like this. It made me feel all giddy to know that I did something great. I hope this is an eye opener.
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