It seems like I am stuck in a rut. It is a monotonous thing. I go through my day the same exact way through the whole week. My body likes to understand possibilities. For example, I sucked dick on Wednesday. It was fun but it might just have been out of boredom. I like making people happy. He was really happy to get his dick sucked and I was really happy to have done it.
I feel so drained. I have so much potential and I have so many desires. I shove my desires down my throat and keep them burning in my stomach. It causes me pain because I can't just do what I want. I think of others and put them before me. I am scared of what someone else might think of me and how their view will change once they know. It makes me feel horrible because these people tend to be just my parents or other family members. I want to be myself. I want to express myself but I am terrified to do what I want. I wish that I had more people to tell this too and I wish I had more people that would not judge me. My stomach constantly feels sick. There are so many things that I want but will be judged for doing them.
I threw away the scale that was in my house. I didn't but my mom did. When she did this, it left me feeling naked. I like to lose weight because I think it would make me happier. My body has been hurt because I believed that starving myself would make me happy. Without the scale it feels like I am happier without it but at the same time I feel like it should still be there. I want to weigh myself and analyze the pounds that I think I should be losing. I just feel like it something that I can control and I want more things that I can control. I want my weight to be unhealthy. I want to be skinny. I want all these things and more. Weighing 130 is not good enough. Weighing 120 probably will not be enough. I just want to be happier with myself.
Sometimes I am driven mad because I feel as though I can't decide what I want or what to do. There are millions of options in my head. It has started to cause me anxiety. I like introspection but this introspection might not be good. Sometimes, I feel like my pain erupts into a full blown sickness. There was a time when my breathing stopped and my body hit the floor. I vomited and it was because the stress had snuck under my skin and poisoned my blood. It's feelings like these that make me want to run away. I am not sure where I would go but I feel safest with someone that I know. It disturbs me that I am not even trusted with this thought. There are whispers from authority in my ears and I've been told to go to the neighbor's house when I feel scared. However, I do not trust them and I do not trust these authoritative words anymore.
I feel a bit distraught. I am over stimulated with who I am and who I have become. I am a magnet for good occurrences. There is just the draining dread of how they take away my time. Seeing Tucker is nice but later I feel the remorse of my lost time. It is anxiety this emotion that I feel and it tightens within my chest. It is like the wrong key to lock. A screw that has been tightened to be uncomfortable. I like to talk and be myself. I like to make people smile and have light conversations. I am stressed about school work so I tend to twiddle my thumbs instead of face responsibility. I want to kiss boys instead of write essays and I feel uncomfortable with just being me.
I don't feel safe. Everything slips beneath me because my thoughts an encompassing all that I do. Every moment is too pure and its over stimulating to try.
I fill my head with positive thoughts and hope for the best. Every day I wake up and it feels like I need to start again. I'm in smart classes full of people with big egos. I'm just unassuming and small. Sometimes, I wish that I could grow and become something strong. I use things to cover me up. I like to run so I seem strong and talk big like I am big. It constantly feels like I cannot breathe. It's a strange feeling because I cry at times when I realize I'm not really doing what I want to.
I rarely write in here anymore. I don't really feel too much because I just use my mind to destroy it. I feel like people try to hide pain in the back of their heads. It's a pretty common phrase but I think my mind has built a whole house from sadness and anxiety. It feels like I want to pull out all the hairs on my body because that is a soothing feeling. My mind is racing because I want to be with other people and I want to stop feeling so lonely. It's weird to finally understand that I enjoy the company of other people.
I am girl. I don't have any problems with my gender or other people's gender. Sexuality is just dumb. I don't care about race or ethnicity but it bothers me that my family wouldn't like it if I dated a black boy. I'm uncomfortable and quite distressed to understand that there are things that my parents will not accept. My mom does not like my hair and she cannot be happy for me. The things I like are the things that she hates. This cycle or phrase of "I like your hair longer" should be eliminated. People tell me that they would like my confidence but I fail to even see it. Having hair that I like isn't an accomplishment. I don't understand how having short hair makes me gay or makes me more like a boy. I just get very emotional when other people tell me that they do not like it. I understand that it is a preference but my preference is that I like it. My mother is always telling me to grow my hair out and she is things that my nose ring is ugly. I just want her acceptance but I can't seem to come to close to anything that she wants.
My body is weird and it kind of disgusts me. I've gained a little bit of weight. I can't handle myself or the person in my head. Nothing is matching up. My soul is not connecting with my brain. I say things that I do not mean. People say things that I do not mean to smile at. I am scared and shocked because when I think it brings me sadness. I just want to talk to everyone but I get so anxious and my anxiety brings me this disappointment. I want to bring joy to others without making a fool of myself. I wake up and go to school to see people that I want to talk. There are many girls that I find beautiful. I am tired of trying. It makes me so stressed.
I want to feel what everyone feels. I've beginning that I've misplaced myself. There's no one to stop me. There's only myself. I have to decide what I want in everything. It always hard to just keep my head away from the clouds. When I was younger, everything seemed to be okay. I'm just afraid. All of my friends seem to be getting farther away. They just keep drifting all across the sea. They're getting so far away from me. I knew that I was boring. A person who is uninteresting. I'm just lonely wondering about all the friends I've yet to meet.
I’ve been feeling weird and anxious. My stomach is doing flips. It’s making me sick. I’m finding that I feel like a first timer. I’m stretching myself out thin. I am trying all new types of things that I don’t need to do. I just want to be the best me. I hate being a first timer. It makes me feel like I get half way into an experience only to find that I can’t figure out how to act. It’s so strange that my brain can’t function as properly as I want it to. It gets scared and lets my thoughts go hollow. Walls have teeth and they feel like they are crushing me. They surround me in a place that I think is safe. I sit but the teeth grind me up, Don’t make me sorry. Come back to me because I don’t want to take happiness with hesitation.
I want to write down everything that I experience because I am scared of forgetting it. I want to be someone that I am not. It feels like I am losing myself within my thoughts. I want to know what is meaningful to me. It's freaking me out.
Mak dropped me off and I was alarmed because she didn't know his house. I took a seat on the curve. A van pulled in through the gated community and a man in car said, "Hey you look a bit too old to be waiting for the bus". he came in on his bike and made me run after him. His house was the one that Mak thought it was. It had a great overgrown tree in the front of it. He brought his bike inside and I followed him. He got comfortable and I took my bra off because fuck that. The house was colorful. We started off playing chess. He beat me at it. I was able to wear his clothes but I put his pants on backwards and didn't notice the whole time. His dog is named Capone. The dog roamed the yard and he played guitar. I laughed because he has guillotine for cigars. I had a banana and he had tangerines. I helped him with his relationship because he had a girlfriend. He told her that he loved her. I could tell that he has many secrets. I already know some because I talked to many different people. I'm a bit alarmed because he has had some girlfriends. He wants to fuck me because he is sexually frustrated. My first time fucking will not be with someone that I am dating. I have put a lot of thought into the fact that virginity is a social thing. People have given it meaning. I can decide what it means to me and he meets my requirements. He's hot and a good person. He showed me that he has a whole music and game room. He has tons of vinyl with good tunes. The music shook the walls. I could feel it and the way the record went round and round was mesmerizing. He showed me his minecraft and I took his no face blanket. I should steal it because spirited away is my favorite movie. We laid in his bed and he showed me his book collection. Inside "Lord of the Flies" was a letter from middle school. I read it an obnoxious voice and he laughed. It felt so nice to be happy. I knocked over his bike and made a hole in the wall. He got chewed out for it but I will give him 20 dollars at least. We had a pillow fight. He hoisted me up on his shoulders and I massaged his head with my breasts. He showed me his favorite sex position. I want to know what it is like.
I want to be a new person. I get happiness in fleeting moments. My arousal for excitement is too great. I just want to have fun and be happy. It seems like without things to do that I grow scared and nervous. I'm not sure why I close up but it is making me sick. I just wish that I could become water and slip through the cracks of the sidewalk. It would be great to escape responsibility and just sleep. My bed is a safe place. It keeps me away from the world that wants to eat me up. I got caught doing something that I wasn't supposed to do. It didn't feel good. My mom was mad at me. I can't help but feel ashamed. There is so much to do and experience. I don't want it to slip past me because there is a leash on my neck. Anything that I want should be mine. I just want to spend all my time with him because he is kind. I want friendship and love.
Fuck it. I am so happy because I don't feel so conflicted on being sexual. I enjoy it. I saw the boy again and this time my lie worked out. He beat my ass at chess but I will beat him. I sucked his dick and was excited. Sucking dick makes me happy so I wonder what fucking will be like. I learned more about his life. He fucked around in middle school and attracted girls. I don't think that I ever want to date. I am so comforted by this. I love boys.
I'm worried I won't remember everything that happened since I am in a bit of a mood. Friday, I was able to stay for psych club. It was a good time. I got to participate in the Asch conformity experiment. It's a vision test where confederates give wrong answers to see if the participant will go along with the wrong answer. The tests were good and the people were tricked. My happiness was so vibrant. I get so happy to see people that I love. Oliver was there and Lyn and Amber. They're not good friends but I am so grateful to have them. I can't remember a time where I was really happy. I was depressed for so long in this slump that felt like weights were pulling me down into a psychosis. Reality wasn't making sense and it felt like my body ached to not exist. I am done feeling like I don't deserve things because I am good and deserve happiness. I stayed after psych club with. There is a bubbling fear inside of my stomach and pools behind my heart. It's an icky feeling that blocks my heart from feeling fine. I am writing about happiness because I need it to cheer me up. Summing up Friday is that now I have three new friends and my psych teacher knows that I am sexually active. She is going to make weed brownies and I'm going to get high at a slumber party. Sydney is interested in getting to know me. I am excited for all this and look forward to it. It was such a long day but it inspires me to be the best that I can. It makes me want to give laughter through the conversation about mushroom penises and flipping water bottles. I am BLESSED.
I think I only write when I am about to get my period. It's like my sappy pms stories spill out onto the paper. All these words and emotions are fueled by my insecure hormones. It's like a disorder. I feel like my head is all messed up. There's a fog within it. I want to say what I want to say. The words end up lost in the mist never truly making it through all the neural pathways within my cranium. I dream of sex and dirtiness. My confidence doesn't exist. I wish that I didn't come off as put together because I am lost and I am scared. I want to stay in the fetus position. It would be a thrill to become an unborn child because there would be no worry. Currently, I am trying to sort through my emotions. I thought that I had become more logical that I was stronger than sentiment. The ideologies of other people dance across the top of my gentle trustworthy complexion. I'm nervous when put out there. I am completely underwhelmed.
Love is not something to understand. It is described differently by every person that I meet. I want to become an idiot. Everyone likes to say that thoughts are what curse the intelligent. It's stupid to be emotional. My metaphors and similes are just coping mechanisms for when I am sad.
I met a girl and show was so fine. She reminded me of how life is something to love. The happiest people can sometimes have the most sadness on the inside. I'm done crying because my hopes are soaring freely. Psych club was fun but short. They mentioned the fence that behind the portables. Mrs. Farabaugh said it was okay to go and see where it led. They and me were fine jumping but another girl was terrified at the height. I learned that it was because she broke some ribs as a child by doing the same act. She screamed at it and whined but with determination she was able to join on us the adventure. They would eventually give me here shoes because they were close toed. She would wear mine and feel the flying horse flies. There were butterflies and spiders but the trail would lead to an end. It didn't go anywhere. She would leave to her mom and would have to jump her fear again. They and me were left to walk together and we fucking bonded. We walked home and went to CVS. They bought chips and laughed. It was nice to just share life. I ended up back at their house. It was a mess but I did not mind. I told them to just let me see them act naturally and I got to know them so well. They showed me their pictures and told me about their sons. Their relationship goals and cute sensory box full of heartfelt gifts. It was nice to feel connected. I helped find the old bowel of ramen smelling up the room and took the dragon fly panty hose creation home with me.
I hate the hair on my chest. It makes me so insecure because it is ugly. I want to be happy and positive but I get so uncomfortable because it is there. I want beauty. I want to be considered attractive. Therefore I talk to people who call me pretty. People like my positivity and preciousness but I portray so much happiness because I believe that it can defeat happiness. My biggest fear is being alone. I feel like I'm ugly.
I thought that surrounding myself with many faces would make me feel less saddened by myself. It's weird. I thought that I had transformed into something new. The evolution that I wanted stood in front of me and I just couldn't grab it. Instead it slipped away from my hands. I'm happier than I once was but my roots are still in the ground. They remind me that I am not as confident as I think I am. It reminds me that I was built on being self conscious. He looked me in the eyes and told me to tell myself that I am a great person. He wants me to know that I am good. He wants me to know that what in my mind comes through onto my body and makes me beautiful. Outside and on the inside. I believed it in that instance that I was someone new. She was gorgeous and confident. She didn't feel bad about doing things she liked and was okay with lying to her mom. She just wants to be herself and not feel like judgment is placed above her head. That girl is who I want to be and I admired her in front of my eyes as I stared into his. The second I left was when she too decided to leave me. I felt like crying. It made me feel so close to being who I wanted.
I often feel guilty for opening my mouth. I say things that I should keep to myself. They're personal and the person beside me did not need to be saddened by it. I want to bring happiness and positivity to the people around me. I don't want to ever be serious. It can wait for when I am home alone. I can cry when I am alone. I can be comforted when I am alone. It is not right to hurt others for my own comfort.